


Guilty Conscious

by kinnie_moment



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Issues, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, LMAO, LMFAO these tags omg im so mean to kid, Oops, Survivor Guilt, asura hate club, dtk get therapy challenge????, help me, i will never stop writing deathsoul, yeah its happy enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28353003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinnie_moment/pseuds/kinnie_moment
Summary: The transition to power was not easy. There was a huge physical toll, mainly in the form of paperwork, meetings, and debates.But there's something even worse then the physical toll.The mental toll.aka: i keep thinking about how kid probably blames himself for his father's death and i wonder why we never talk about it
Relationships: Death the Kid/Soul Eater Evans
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	Guilty Conscious

**Author's Note:**

> yuh
> 
> LMFAO this is embarrassing why am i so extra w these fics oh my god
> 
> apologies if any of the details are inaccurate!!! i watched/read soul eater over a year ago so i might not be totally correct.
> 
> i did actually proof read this time but im still 90% sure i missed some mistakes lmao

The transition to power was not easy. 

To begin, there was physical work. Paperwork, to be exact. Kid spent nearly all of his time bent over stacks of paper. 

There were meetings, debates, and discussions. Every adult listened carefully when Kid spoke, taking his opinions as facts, even though he had been their student a few weeks prior. It was stressful. Kid overthought his every move. One wrong decision could lead to a disaster that he would certainly get blamed for. It was terrifying.

He was busy. Too busy. He rarely ate, rarely slept, rarely saw his friends.

Kid rarely saw Soul. 

But even worse than the physical toll, there was a mental toll. 

His father’s death was unavoidable. Two grim reapers cannot exist at the same time. Everytime Kid got stronger, his father got weaker. He knew this.

But it still hurt. And it still haunted him. 

And for another thing, Asura was his brother. 

They shared the same blood, the same father.

Asura, who caused so much pain and destruction.

They were one in the same.

Who’s to say Kid wasn’t a monster just like him? 

He missed when things were normal. He missed his father, he missed when his only breakdowns were about toilet paper being folded correctly. He missed his friends, and he missed Soul.

God he missed Soul.

Soul, who walked in every room like he owned the place.

Soul, who flashed Kid his stupid, unsymetrical grin whenever he could.

Soul, who taught Kid how to slow dance.

Soul, who told Kid it wasn’t his fault.

Soul, who promised Kid that his father would be proud. 

Soul, who he hadn’t seen in what feels like forever.

Soul, who would probably be ashamed to see his boyfriend so weak.

He felt himself beginning to choke up. He missed Soul so much. He wanted to see him again, he just couldn’t find the time or the strength. He would crumble the second he saw the weapon, and he couldn’t afford too. He had to be strong.

He hadn’t seen Soul since his father’s funeral, just under two weeks ago. You could hardly call it a funeral, there was no body to bury, but it was just as awful. It was just a blur of sad faces, condolences, and pathetic flower bouquets. Soul didn’t leave his side until the very end of the night when he walked Kid home. He assured Kid that everything would be alright. 

Kid didn’t believe him, but his words helped in the moment. 

He pushed the papers in front of him to the side and put his head in his hands. Normally, he could just go see Soul but there was just so much work to do. Getting upset wouldn’t do anything, he knew that, but we couldn’t help the tears welling in his eyes.

He hated this. It was awful and it was all his fault. If only he hadn’t used his full power. His father would still be here. None of this work would be his responsibility. 

“He should be in here, but he’s probably working.” Said a voice from outside Kid’s door.

“Thanks, I appreciate it,” A second, more familiar voice said.

Kid’s eyes snapped up.

_Soul._

“Kid? You in here?” Soul said, gently knocking on the door.

Kid stood up, frantically wiping the tears out of his eyes, “Yes, I’ll be right there.”

He took a deep breath, walking to the door and carefully opening it.

_Keep it together. He can’t see how weak you are, he’d be ashamed._

“Hi love,” He said when he opened the door, “Do you wanna come in?”

Soul smiled at the nickname, “Yeah, that’d be great, actually.”

Kid led him to the one corner of the room not surrounded in papers. It was a small sitting area. Soul moved the pillows to the side and the two sat down.

Soul’s eyes met Kid’s, “I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re busy but I just wanted to check up on you. We’re all a little bit worried.”

“Worried? Why?”

“Well, you know,” Soul started, “It’s just that a lot happened and you’ve been locked away from everyone lately.”  
Soul was right. For the past few days Kid had stayed put in this room, afraid to see anyone or anything. He hadn’t even spoken to his own weapons.

A lump welled in his throat. Liz and Patty were like his sisters. The three of them served Lord Death and cared for him deeply. They were probably just as upset as Kid was, yet he’d left them to grieve alone. He was so selfish.

“I really didn’t mean to.” Kid said, “There’s just so much to do.”

“How are you handling it?”

The question caught Kid off guard.

“Fine.” He lied.

“I don’t believe you.” Soul said firmly.

_Shit._

“W-Why not?” Kid stutterd.

“I can just tell,” Soul said, “I can see it in your eyes, you look like you’ve been crying.”

Kid opened his mouth to fire back but nothing came out.

“So I’ll ask again,” Soul said, his voice sounding more concerned then strict, “How are you handing it?”

Kid bit his lip and looked away, “I’m not,” He admitted in a small voice. 

“Can I hug you?”

“ _Please,_ ” Kid whispered. 

Soul leaned forward, holding Kid close.

Kid felt like he was going to cry again. He missed Soul. He missed these hugs. He always feels so safe in the weapon’s arms. 

He wanted to cry. Just a few tears, enough to keep under control.

“I’m so sorry Kid. You shouldn't have to go through this.”

“I hate it.” Kid stated as a tear ran down his cheek, “I can’t do it anymore. It’s too much.”

“I know it is, that’s why I’ll help you. Whatever you need, I’ll get it. You’re strong Kid, it’ll be tough but I know you can get through it.”

“I can't,” Kid said, “It’s all too much and it’s all my fault.”

“How could you possibly think that?”

“Because,” Kid started, pushing himself backwards and away from Soul, “If I hadn’t connected the Lines of Sanzu my dad would be perfectly fine! It’s all my fault, I should have been the one to die, not him! He was keeping the peace and was the only one who could protect us!”

Kid was sobbing now, and he frantically tried to hide his face from Soul.

“I’m a _monster_ Soul! He’s gone and it’s all my fault. I’m no better than Asura, I should be dead!”

“Kid-”

“I wish I were _dead!_ ” Kid sobbed.

“Kid, please,” Soul started, “listen to me.”

He carefully placed his hands over Kid’s, holding them and carefully moving them away from Kid’s face. 

“Just breathe with me okay? Line you breaths up with mine.”

Kid nodded, unable to speak anymore. Soul pulled him close again and Kid rested his head in Soul’s chest. He listened to the steady beating of the weapon’s heart.

_I don’t deserve him._

“Can you hear me?” Soul asked.

“Yes,” Kid answered quietly. 

“You can’t blame yourself for what happened. This whole situation is awful, but it’s not because of you.”

He carefully lifted Kid’s chin up with his fingers. 

“Nobody blames you for this. You shouldn’t blame yourself, seriously. And you are nothing like Asura. Don’t even get me started on that.”

Kid lifted his gaze to meet Soul’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Kid mumbled, “I shouldn't be breaking down this easily.”

“So much changed so quickly, you’re allowed to be upset.” Soul said, pressing a gentle kiss to Kid’s forehead, “We’re all here to help when you need it. This workload looks insane.”

“It _is_ insane,” Kid said with a small laugh.

“Then let us help,” Soul said, wiping a few tears off Kid’s face, “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

_You don’t have to go through this alone._

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Kid agreed.

“I always am.” Soul teased, “Now why don’t you go home and rest. You’ve been up here for way too long.”

“But I still have stuff to finish-”

“Whoever needs it will have to understand,” Soul said, “You look exhausted. You can stay with me and Maka if you’d like.”

He stood up and extended his hand out to his boyfriend. Kid took it with a small smile and stood up.

“Thank you, Soul.” He mumbled.

“It’s no problem,” Soul grinned, opening up the door, “No use feeling guilty over something that isn’t your fault.” 

Kid smiled weakly. The transition to power was not easy, but with Soul around it just got a little easier.

**Author's Note:**

> ...... ok so maybe i do need therapy
> 
> BUT LIKE????????????????? GOD THIS POOR KID MUST BE SO GUILTY RIgHT???? HELLO???????? SOMEONE PLEASE TALK ABT THIS WITH ME OH MY GOD
> 
> LMFAOSKHDGWF anyways kudos/comments/bookmarks/criticism/feedback/etc are always appreciated <3 even on a dumpster fire fic like this 
> 
> re reading the ending and omfg why am i so CHEESY bitch what. WHAT IS THAT


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